I have had one of those mornings. You know the ones. The ones where nothing really goes wrong but nothing really goes right either. I even got up early to make the rush of the morning less stressful, to make more time to get more things done.
I’ve started doing supply teaching this year and I’ve been getting quite a
bit of work. I’m thoroughly enjoying being back in the classroom. I like the
interaction with the kids. I enjoy teaching and helping and I just enjoy a lunch
time where I don’t have to listen to kids arguing or demanding vegemite not
peanut butter. I like that I get to go to the toilet when I need to and not when
it fits around my two kids who are at home during the day. I like the adult
conversation at lunch time.
Monday I worked so I started the week a little behind schedule and that has
had a knock on effect to the rest of the household. Hollie had a break down or
two about stuffing up her viola playing and then about not getting her story
draft written to a standard she thought acceptable. I had not made it a priority
to sit down with her and help her with these to issues over the past few days as
my priorities were elsewhere. Note that I didn’t say I don’t have time because
clearly I do have time if I choose not to do something else. Everyone has time.
I’m a mother of 5. I know about having time and commitments. I really felt like
I had let Hollie down even though I know it is her responsibility to get these
jobs done before today. Hollie went to school upset. I went on with my day
Kevin was throwing a tantrum because I’d opened the can of dog food for him.
He didn’t want to go to school because we’d upset him. On the way to school his
shoe fell off and the tantrum started again. I didn’t have the patience for him.
Again, I felt like I’d let him down.
As we were leaving for school Lisa couldn’t find her shoes. These were left
in Daddy’s car yesterday when he picked up Lisa from kindy as I was at an
appointment. This was a small issue but turned into a big one because she cried
and I didn’t have the patience to deal with the tantrum because we were already
running late to buy a new school uniform and take Hannah to the library at
school so I told Lisa to get into the pram. Yes, a four year old in a pram! Our
rule is you aren’t allowed to go to school with no shoes on. The librarian made
Lisa cry when she made comment about Lisa’s lack of shoes because she knows our
rules too. If only I’d taken the time to let her find new shoes this wouldn’t
have happened. Again, I felt like I’d let her down.
After buying the uniforms and taking Hannah to the library to borrow a book I
went to her classroom to see if the teacher wanted help with changing the
readers because they weren’t done yesterday. This is usually my job in Hannah’s
class because no other parent does it. Yesterday I didn’t do it partly because I
had to drop Hollie at her first day of the maths/science academy she was
accepted into and then dropped Lisa and a friend’s daughter at kindy and partly
because I was still trying to catch up on house work from being at work on
Monday and I had a group of ladies coming over at 10am. I know I shouldn’t feel
guilty about not changing the readers but I can’t help it. I love seeing kids
learning. I love books and know how important reading is. I also know that
essentially this is the actual teacher’s job but I also know it takes at least
half an hour to do and I don’t know where she is going to find that time. This
time not only did I feel as though I’d let Hannah down but her whole class and
her teacher as well.
I know all of this is not really anything but I feel like I’m not doing
anything well at the moment. I feel like I’m merely doing life OK. I’m not doing
it better than OK. I’m stretched thin in all directions. When I got to playgroup
all tired and worn out I just cried. I didn’t want to cry in front of my friends
but I just felt like I was doing a terrible job of everything. After a hug from
my friend I felt a lot better though. We are all Mums and we all have bad
days/bad weeks. When I got home I text my husband and told him I needed a hug.
When I told him what the matter was (that I felt like I was doing life OK not
great. I wasn’t being a great Mum I was being an OK Mum. I wasn’t being a great
housewife I was being on OK one. I wasn’t being a great worker I was being an OK
one) he told me being OK is OK. That’s why it’s called OK. He made me laugh and
I know he is right. I can’t be amazing all the time. Sometimes OK is enough.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope.